One Hundred Eight

"Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?" | An Analysis

2009-09-18T14:22:00.008-06:00

A few weeks ago I was at a friend's house having a glass of wine and watching TV. Actually I was watching TV and she was cooking with her roommate. I should say now that while I own a TV set, that I use for video games and DVDs, I have no cable (not even the basic channels) and no internet (yes, I am at a Starbucks).

Anyway, exhausted from a long week, I thought I'd flip around and see what was on. Spoiler alert: it's all garbage. All of it. But something caught my eye in the guide that made absolutely no sense. There is a movie that exists whose title is so abhorrent, so miserably abject, that it defies logic and reason at every turn. The movie is called, "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"

I'll repeat that again, as Lewis Black might say, just to let it sink in.

"Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"

Don't believe me? Here's a link to the IMDB page. If you can't be bothered with looking at it now (or ever) I'll tell you the basics. It stars Tori Spelling and was produced for the Lifetime channel.

I have no intention of going into the inner workings of the film and its plot here, since I honestly stopped paying attention when I saw the title. My brain collapsed on itself. It was like someone had divided by zero and got this film's title as a result.

Instead, I present to you an analysis in three parts. (Most of the questions I pose here are unanswerable and merely the ruminations of a man caught precariously on the edge of insanity. Just FYI.)

Part One: Manners

Everyone knows the polite way to ask for things: "May I...?" "Can I" is for savages. At least that's how it was a few years ago. I have no idea how kids talk these days because I don't have any interaction with them. Thank god.

So annoying.
That said, questions that begin with "May I" (the polite form, mind you) always indicates the expected answer. In other words, if I said, "Mom, can I borrow the car?" I would expect to be able to do so. But if I said, "Mother, may I borrow the car?" I would expect her to say "No." I am buttering her up and demonstrating my refinement by using "may." It implies she would never lend me the car. Ever. But maybe just this once?

Need proof? Watch a kid ask him mother for something. That is some formal shit.

Part Two: Sex

From the title, a clever reader could deduce two things about the word "sleep": first, that the person asking the question might actually just want to sleep next to someone or something. Sleeping will be had, everyone will wake up rested, and hey, I'll even keep my pants on. Yes sir, no dry-humping here!

Second, that the word "sleep" could, in this case, actually mean fuck. This definitely seems a billion times more likely because a movie about sleeping would be about as interesting as reading a book about a guy who watches paint dry. While doing dishes. I'm bored just thinking about it.

So I'm just going to ask the question you're thinking at this point: who the hell asks their mother if they can fuck someone? Who? The only people I could imagine doing something like that are the severely mentally disabled or the poor bastards with a serious fucking Oedipus complex. I don't even think this kind of thing would come up with Norman Bates. Either way we're definitely in sociopath territory.

Freud
Part Three: Danger as Abstract Concept

Most dictionaries will tell you that the word "danger" means harm, damage, pain, injury, etc. So why the fuck this is even a question I have no idea. Can you fuck a concept? I once slept with loneliness, but that actually took on a pretty concrete form in the end:

Note to stalkers: not my real hand!
To demonstrate the total absurdity of it all, here are some other versions of a question that makes no sense:

"Mother, may I sleep with sadness?"
"Mother, may I sleep with risk-aversion?"
"Mother, may I sleep with agoraphobia?"
"Mother, may I sleep with inconsistency?"
"Mother, may I sleep with phone?"

If I was a mother and my daughter asked me to sleep with, I don't know, handwriting, my first call would be to the asylum. But since danger implies the act would henceforth be dangerous, why even ask? Is this woman's daughter fucking retarded?

Even this cat thinks it's a stupid question.
Conclusion:

There is no way that any of this makes sense.

Holy shit. This makes my head hurt.

But it is a book. Maybe the book is better.

Same title though.

Zack Snyder's "Watchmen" film.

2009-03-08T17:29:00.004-06:00

(I RARELY write film reviews on this blog, let alone for anyone else. This one is just for me.)

I've seen Watchmen, Zack Snyder's film of the "acclaimed graphic novel" that blah blah blah. There's honestly been so much press about this film, it's probably hard to NOT know what the source material is here. And that it's by Alan Moore, who is a little weird, but whatever. Sometimes when an author gets reclusive and salty about their work and how it should "never be adapted" and that Moore will "spit venom at the film," you think to yourself, 'OK. Calm down. How bad can it be?'

Well, this past weekend I got my long-awaited, horrible answer: AWFUL. Let me issue an immediate retraction and say that there are a couple pretty kick-ass moments in this film. Rorschach is great, Nightowl II is fun to watch, and Dr. Manhattan is just plain cool to see on screen. And let's not forget the Comedian - Jeffrey Dean Morgan was great and it's a shame he didn't have a bigger role. But that's what you get when you FOLLOW THE COMIC BOOK EXACTLY.

And by exactly, I mean you cut its balls off and remove its soul and then sell it as "Watchmen." I now agree with Alan Moore: this is the height of the comic book medium and no film can or will ever be able to do it justice.

One criticism floating around the internet is that Snyder and co. stuck too closely to the book, thereby limiting himself and all the possibilities of these highly nuanced characters. Instead, we were served Snyder's shiny, smooth-talking bastardization of the novel and I for one can't wait to get the awful taste out of my mouth by rereading it ASAP.

The essence of the film is like a child tracing a beautiful painting of a tiger, then not coloring the tiger, but telling you that it is a tiger. Without the stripes, it's just a bad movie.

Now a special note to Zack Snyder:

I understand. If I was in a room with a bunch of studio execs and they said to me, "Zack, we want to move forward with developing 'Watchmen' into a feature length film. You in?" I would probably have to say yes. I adore the book as much as any other fanboy and I'd simply take the job just to prevent someone who DOESN'T feel the same way from getting their hands on it. That said, you did a bang-up job with some of the material. The physical aspects (the sexuality, the violence, the attitude) were all up there on the screen and to that I say kudos. You should feel good about filming a project many people said was impossible to film. And yes, I will see it again once the DVD is released with the integration of missing material and the "Tales of the Black Freighter" story.

But what's missing isn't the physical aspects or the spectacle. What's missing is the heart of Moore's original tale. I'm not sure how any casual viewer of this film could ever hope to understand it's numerous layers and subtleties. The printed version goes well beyond a tale of "sacrifice the few for the many." The film just sacrifices it's source.

do want

2009-01-20T21:04:00.002-07:00

For some reason I'm watching 'American Idol' AGAIN and there is really no reason. Some girl in San Francisco just said she wanted to be the American Idol, and I quote, "more than ANYONE HAS EVER WANTED ANYTHING."

10 things people have wanted more than to be on American Idol (in no order):

- Helen of Troy
- Space travel
- Aids cure
- Cancer cure
- Peace on Earth
- To fuck you like an animal
- Kill the guy who killed my partner
- Go to the bathroom before I pass out
- Breakfast
- Never pay taxes again

television

2009-01-13T21:32:00.005-07:00

In the US everyone using an antenna on their TV will have to switch to a digital format by February 16, 2009 if they want to keep watching anything.

Normally I don't give this more than a passing "Yeah, and?" moment, but I started thinking about the fallout an unprepared community might undergo.

In the words of Donald Rumsfeld, there will be known knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns.

KNOWN KNOWNS
- If you work for a cable company it will be the worst day of your life.
- If you work at Best Buy it will be the worst day of your life.
- If you are obsessed with watching American Idol and have no digital interface, it will be the worst day of your life.

This is what you might miss! Don't blink!

KNOWN UNKNOWNS
- The reaction of a normal person when they realize what has happened.
- The reaction of a nutjob when the figure out what has happened.
- Senior citizens. No offense.

UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS

Well, these are just completely speculative, but I'm guessing a situation just short of all-out riots. I particularly like to imagine that scene in Zack Snyder's remake of "Dawn of the Dead" when the woman is driving down the street and everything around her is plunged into chaos.

We proved this last election cycle that people care about things en masse when they're organized and motivated. But to pull the plug on normal TV watching habits?
This could be some dangerous shit.

yeah yeah yeah.

2008-06-03T15:07:00.002-06:00

More Music

2008-03-29T16:25:00.003-06:00

My good friend Matt Negative over at the Internet Rave Archive turned me on to a site called Muxtape. It's pretty neat. This link goes to my tape.

2008-02-29T21:56:00.005-07:00

Hahaha, OMG:

HOW could he have known?

This is how:

Election 2008.

2008-02-18T18:49:00.002-07:00

I'm a democrat, so it goes without saying that I'll be voting for the candidate with the best music video.

NO:

YES:

Damn.

webMASTER

2007-07-11T23:18:00.000-06:00

If you know anything about this blog it's this: I post inconsistently. I had material lined up after the Virginia Tech shooting and the death of Jerry Falwell; mostly I had some observations to toss about - nothing mind-blowing, but interesting nevertheless.

Here we are in July and I have a major issue I'd like you to consider. Something grave and horrible facing our country: FILL IN THE BLANK.

The US health-care system seems to be on everyone's mind now that Michael Moore has released "SiCKO" (which has a lower-case "i" in case you missed it). This isn't the greatest film ever made (Night of the Living Dead) but it does make a few excellent points. Namely that our US health care system is super broke-ass. Odd, because it's almost like we traded a secure health care system for corporate favoritism. Hey, those companies that make anti-depressants aren't going to dole out their CEO's bonuses by themselves!

"Are you fucking serious, doctor? These are ALL suppositories?
And I take these once a week, or...? OK, daily then? Right.
So you may want to prescribe some, you know, medicinal Crisco."

That's cool, because if you're ON anti-depressants it's because either something went very wrong at some point in your life, or you just happen to be a little unhappy. Or you missed an episode of "24" and you don't have TiVo. Or you stubbed your toe, took a joke personally or are bored. Real bored. Like Deltron says, "Can't trust my doctor, even she's in it for profit." And what's there to be unhappy about?

Iraq: things have gone from bad to worse. While it's not as bad as it will be tomorrow, there is a mounting body count not only of US soldiers but of Iraqi civilians as well. And here I thought we were trying to bring democracy to their oil-stuffed country. Guess the only thing we're bringing them is a better chance at shuffling off this mortal cOIL. (If you're having trouble absorbing this little tidbit of information, check out this piece of work!)

This is actually oil candy. Later, after the molting process, it will be wrapped in tin fOIL.
I got nothing.

One possible awesome side effect of increased Iraqi civilian deaths is that their families will be super, super fucking pissed. Unless we can afford to drop a shitload of anti-depressants on them. That will pacify them! So long Chalmers Johnson! So long obvious yet somehow underrated concept of "blowback!"

There's only one thing that could ever ruin my infallible plan to subdue an entire nation: drunken astronauts.

Tell me they're not drunk. I dare you.

If you still think they're not drunk, consider this picture. I would be drunk enough to sleep with Lindsay Lohan well before I thought seriously about signing up for this ride, although technically the rocket is probably safer.

This elite race of "human" would never submit to my mundane plan to drop an entire country's supply of SSRI (super silly recharge intake) pills. They're much too busy flying around drunk! Think I'm kidding? Prepare to take a dump while you read this!

I'm really getting off the main point though, and that is this: our education system is broken. Some guy I know who works at Starbuck's told me his cousin's history textbook actually says that the President is Richard M. Nixon! Come to think of it, the guy didn't say the "M" so maybe he meant that the textbook really is up to date, but that they wrote some random guy in (whose name could be Richard F. Nixon) instead of the real President: Dick Cheney.

But for real: our kids are dumber than ever. Did you know that only 1 in 5 kids can locate England on a map? That's like 25%!! Pretty soon even zombies will turn up their noses at children's brains because the simply isn't anything in them. That's what really sickens me.

It's intense. Forget about education right now and think hard about the heart of the matter: privatized prisons. The Tycoon series of computer games are all about developing a certain genre of business: Roller Coaster Tycoon, Amusement Park, etc. The basic gist of these games is that you own a shitty amusement park and you need to balance your checkbook along with your creativity to come up with something... SENSATIONAL! I think a lot about prisons when I'm at amusement parks so it's only natural (at least in my mind) that Prison Tycoon follow the other titles. What to do as a warden? Rehabilitate my inmates or... BREAK THEM...? I love how that last part is in ALL CAPS, almost like they've made your decision for you! God, I hate thinking.

Can't the FCC do all my thinking for me? Yes. Yes they can. Check out this censored image:

Now here's the original:

Wait, that's not a cute little kitty. Hang on. Try this one:

Shit. Well, I guess we're just going to keep getting images of Bush flipping off the American people. Can't he at least do that behind closed doors in the form of Presidential vetoes and obstruction of justice?

Oh.

Decadence

2007-02-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to rent a movie. The movie itself is unimportant. What is important is what I saw while I was waiting in line. As per usual the video store had lined the checkout aisle with impulse buys, mostly candy and popcorn. (An "impulse buy" is something a potential customer buys impulsively and spontaneously. A pack of gum, for instance, is an impulse buy, while a hooker is not - paying for sex is usually premeditated. At least I premeditate it, but that's me). Anyway, having lived in Korea last year, I had apparently missed the meeting on the most disturbing new trend in candy ever concocted.

Satan himself is apparently custom-designing candy these days. Let me explain how this candy works before you get to the photo. Start out with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or, as they are often referred to on candy discussion sites, RPBCs. I am not making that up. RPBC. For a more disgusting look into the world of candy-enthusiasts, check this out:

Mike's Candy Wrappers - One man's collection of candy wrappers. Nothing unique here, just a bunch of trash that's been photographed. There's even a goddamn "Coming Soon" section. I could probably recreate this webpage in an hour if I had a group of binging diabetics, a web-designer and a digital camera. Oh, wait! I DO have all those things!

There is also a wide variety of candy criticism sites and candy discussion boards. I refuse to link to these because I think they are lame. Aside from being ridiculous ("I can't believe they discontinued Reese's Scoops!11!!lol!!) they contribute nothing to society.

"Speaking of which, I had Crunchy Reese’s precisely twice (about 20 years ago), and both times they had maggots in them... it really turned me off candy for a couple of years.

Lucky for me I got over THAT!"

Yeah, lucky you!

It seems like, with the development of the 4-bladed razor, candy makers simply cannot make candy deadly enough. As I remember it, Hershey's developed the regular size Peanut Butter Cup, then the miniature one. I see now their complete line of "confectionery" is way over the top by anyone's standards.

Still need proof Satan exists?
RPBCs covered in white chocolate (for, presumably, the distinguishing cheap-ass candy lover), "Inside Out" RPBCs (for that added mindfuck when you're so high you need something to discuss), the RPBC "Big Cup" series (which naturally goes right along with your 64oz. "cup" of coffee) and the RPBC "Fastbreak" (designed to go quickly from your mouth to your thighs and/or "man tits").

Worse, while doing some research on this monstrosity I realized that I wasn't dealing with RPBCs at all. I had an entirely different strain of fat-maker on my hands. As it turns out, Hershey's doesn't own the patent on that shit at all. Or, if they do, Nestle managed to change one single particle, in effect creating another form of "peanut butter cup." Great.

Since, like comic books, crossovers tend to remain within a single company (e.g. Batman and Superman [DC + DC]can easily crossover, but not so with Batman and Spiderman[DC + Marvel]), such is the case with chocolate bars. Here the Dark Lord himself has seen fit to rain down the amputated remains of OTHER candy-bars atop these makeshift PBCs. Is there a God? Not if these exist. And they do. So, no. There is no God.

And now, without further ado, the candy bar with which parents should punish their children:

Death.

Hold it tight

2007-01-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

I used to have a radio show (for six years) at WHPK 88.5 fm Chicago. I was electronic music format chief for almost two of them. I got so tired of feeling like nobody was listening. So I took a break.

I'm back. I was thinking about creating some kind of online radio show where I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. However I have limited time/resources. Now that seems to be less of an issue thanks to podcasting.

The new podcast is called "Hold It Tight" and will air every few weeks. I hope to include my friends from all over the world and promote all sorts of electronic music. The show will focus mainly on drum and bass music, but also have roots in hip-hop, IDM, electro, etc....

Click this link http://zachariahk.podomatic.com/ and hold it tight.

Unpublished

2007-01-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

From the photo backlogs. More to come.

Musiq

2006-11-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of Michael Jackson lately and I think I know why he went nuts. First of all, if you're a fan, you know that "Off The Wall" and "Thriller" are his best albums. Sure, he has some decent singles off "Bad" and that goddamn Free Willy song makes me tell people I have something in my eye. Oh, there's also the "Black or White" song which, while catchy, has a super-awkward "rap" verse and really just introduced "morphing" to the world.

Here's what I've been noticing: the actual music part of his songs (after "Thriller" and considering when they were released) is pretty awful. I mean, I could spend an afternoon with a laptop and that sound effects guy from Spaceballs and come up with comparable work. Yes, it's well-produced, but at this point we're looking at the vocals and instrumentation balancing; i.e., is his voice loud enough? Or is the "orchestra hit" drowning him out? (The "orchestra hit" is when all the instruments play a beat at once. It's ridiculous.) In the end, the quality of the music is sacrificed to the vocal track. Damn you, gods of pop. Damn you all to hell.

1977
In "Off The Wall" (1979) Jackson was really into the music and you could feel that aspect of his songs. His trademark "oohs" and "ahhs" were ones of elation and on "Thriller" this sound began to define him. On the best track on the album, "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," Jackson makes his, ahem, ejaculations his own. He sounds overly (but not offensively or excessively) happy about the tracks. Part of what brings the song to this point is the tribal sounding chorus introduced with only 37 seconds remaining.

1984
Post "Thriller" (1982) material like "Bad" (1987) feels pressed and unduly urgent, as though the producers (or Jackson) believed his trademark asides might carry the album alone. He is less enthusiastic and therefore the music itself is less enjoyable. His constant exhortations here seem irrelevant and even annoying. In the song "Leave Me Alone" he repeatedly uses these devices to sell the song. In fact, someone who wants to be left alone should probably not write a pop song about that desire, but that's another essay altogether.

N.W.A. "Ain't no tellin' when I'm down for a Jack move."
Tellingly, albums like NWA's "Straight Outta Compton" and 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty as They Wanna Be" were only two years away. On the All Music website N.W.A is described as "the unapologetically violent and sexist pioneers of gangsta rap, [and] are in many ways the most notorious group in the history of rap."

2 Live Crew - the clean version Tipper Gore likes to listen to on weekends.

Of 2 Live Crew's album: "[It] was a major catalyst in making rap music a flash point for controversy and an easily visible target for self-appointed moral guardians." In essence these groups made rap what it is today. Clearly no one wants to buy music that "mom" approves of.

N.W.A. "When I'm called off, I got a sawed-off. Squeeze the trigger and bodies are hauled off."

Call me crazy but I don't remember anyone going to court over Jackson's music. It seems awkward for Jackson to have released tracks like "They Don't Really Care About Us." I remember him referring to Sony Music chairman Tommy Mottola as a racist. Wasn't his song "Black or White" really less an indictment of racists than an admonition for people calling him names?

Have you seen my sister's titty?
I'm not saying that his downfall wasn't his responsibility. Frankly I don't even know who wrote his tracks. Yes, I could look it up, but I can't be bothered. According to Lewis Black all you have to say is "Michael Jackson" to get people to start laughing. But it wasn't always the case.

WTF?

Corrections

2006-10-28T23:10:00.002-06:00

I've noticed the date is acting funny on the blog. The previous blog entry should be dated OCTOBER 20, 2006, NOT September. And now for something completely different:Seoul, South Korea
Chiang Mai, Thailand
Boston, MA
Santa Fe, NM

Return

2006-09-20T04:50:00.000-06:00

I've made the trip back to the US and the things left behind: records I haven't touched in a year, the pop-culture factory of TV and mainstream radio, cheese, cheap wine/liqour/gas, western condoms, porn, stand-up comedy, nuance and subtlety, lazy internet, sarcasm, office politics, the entertainment industry, gossip, bumper stickers, Apple vs. PC, Democrat vs. Republican, red vs. blue, casual religion vs. fundamental religion, and of course, hurt feelings.

Recommended listening this month:

1. Lewis Black - Carnegie Hall Performance
2. The Mr. T Experience - Our Bodies Our Selves
3. Jay Dee aka J Dilla - The Shining
4. Del The Funky Homosapien - Future Development
5. Bogdan Raczynski - I Will Eat Your Children

Interruption

2006-07-19T05:32:00.000-06:00

"Well, that's not good."
The blog is alive and well. I've been working on something about Michael Jackson and other music-related stuff. Tons of pictures to upload, too. Should be getting new stuff out in the next week or so.

In the meantime you can read my review of "Superman Returns" at my friend Doc Tick Tock's site.

This is the plot of the new Superman movie:

Refreshment

2006-06-08T07:14:00.000-06:00

Hi, there.

How's it going?

Cool.

Me, too.

Some of you might have noticed that I changed the name of the blog. I felt a little awkward about using "Without Stopping" since it is a poor substitute for "momentum" and also the name of author Paul Bowles' autobiography.

Maybe one day I'll let you in on the "One Hundred Eight," but for now you will have to guess. Or not care. (Hint: it's not the number of people I've slept with, killed, betrayed, eaten, loved, spoken on MSN with, stolen from, or watched from outside their home. Those figures are much, much higher.)

Last weekend I had a much needed vacation from work.

Even though they're cute I don't want to live with them.

Jack's "Smile Machine" is neither a machine nor does it really create a smile, but it cracks me up just to think about it.

My girlfriend and I took a bus out to Sokcho, a small but popular fishing town on the Sea of Japan for some sushi and some sightseeing.

The night before. Looks daunting.

A typical Korean hiking scene - a rest area with functional plumbing, a souvenir shop and a snack shop.

After hiking around 4 kilometers of various grades and battling an impressive 808-stair incline, we reached the summit. We were both sweating from the climb and took a minute to catch our breath.

After a few minutes and some photographs we decided to head back down. Not five minutes passed when we came across a man and his Korean wife heading to the top of the mountain. As casually as one can when standing on a 30-degree rock wall, he asked how far it was to the top. Then a funny thing happened: he started chatting.

People were trying to pass us on this single-file path and we didn't have much time, but he did manage to tell me quite a bit about himself. He was born in Essen, Germany but moved to London. He married and was on vacation with his wife visiting her relatives. There was more small talk, but it's too mundane to repeat here or remember. I motioned to leave, said "goodbye" and my girlfriend and I started to head down.

We stopped to take this picture:

As we were taking it the German/Brit came back down the rock wall to tell me something. "It's times like these and in places like this when we sometimes think about The Creator." He handed me this pamphlet:

That's right. Even at the top of the world and in a place adorned with Buddhist sculptures and almost crawling with Buddhist monks I was found by a Jehovah's witness. Dear God, save me from your followers.

I had no available door to slam in his face. I did consider the risk he was taking by assailing me on what was essentially a cliff. Would I ever have this opportunity again? Probably not, but killing someone (even a Jehovah's witness) is wrong.

Thank you, Buddha.

Endurance

2006-04-24T06:39:00.000-06:00

Spring is certainly here. Witness the blossoming flowers! Behold the familiar stench of garbage and steam vents! Gaze upon the growing numbers of drunken a jo sshis (older men) roaming the streets at night! Marvel at why you are drunk and roaming the streets at night! Springtime in Korea means one thing: excess.

In America the weekend is a good time to get some things done around the house. Maybe cut the grass? Return those clothes from Marshall's that were a really good buy but just don't fit you or anyone you know? Perhaps go on a bender and pump a few rounds into that old car out back? Sure. It's the weekend!

In Korea every weekend is like a miniature vacation. People cram as much "fun" as they possibly can into these 48 hours. Much of that time is spent riding a bus, especially on the way back to Seoul, something everyone does at the same time. Widen a road? Add a lane? How dare you suggest our roads are outdated and insufficient! Be forwarned that these mini-vacations are partially excuses to drink soju for 48 hours straight.

Does this really qualify as "fun?" I know everyone has different definitions of "fun," but what the hell is "fun?" If you look at myspace you're bound to stumble upon a profile picture of some drunken half-wit who, according to their friends "knows how to have fun!" That got me thinking.

Is there a proper way to have fun? Am I not having fun correctly? Did I, as they say, miss a meeting? More importantly, is the fun I am having somehow inadequate? Should I have consulted "DrUnKgIrL69" about fun before I attempted to have it on my own? What does she know that I don't? It seems like I might have to break my New Year's resolution, torture a few people, and see what all the "fun's" about.

The average Korean might well define "fun" as an amusement park, or as I like to call them, white-trash hangouts. Seoul alone has several: Children's Grand Park, Lotte World, Seoul Land and Everland. Nothing about an amusement park is amusing for a person over the age of 10. Long lines, sticky shoes, the smell of vomit, childen crying, the smell of unchanged diapers, death - sounds like fun doesn't it? I think a person actually spends more time avoiding bad smells than they do "having fun."

To prove this point I submit this link. If you're too lazy to click on it, let me say that it is filled with a kind of sick irony. A staff member dies at an amusement park. How should the park honor his death? Free admission for a week? Sounds good!

The super-fun site of a man's death!

Meanwhile, everyone in Seoul was thinking the same thing: free amusement park! How many people were thinking this? Only about 35,000 - 70,000. About 20 children suffered all the injuries.

Boy, that was fun.

And now for some song lyrics with unrelated photos.

Well life on the farm is kinda laid back,
Ain’t much an old country boy like me can’t hack.
It’s early to rise, early in the sack
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well a simple kinda life never did me no harm,
I'm raisin’ me a family and workin’ on the farm
My days are all filled with an easy country charm,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me ole fiddle,
When the sun’s comin’ up I got 'cakes on the griddle.
Life ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

When the work’s all done and the sun’s settlin’ low
I pull out my fiddle and I rosin' up the bow.
The kids are asleep so I keep it kinda low,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

I’d play "Sally Goodin’" all day if I could,
But the lord and my wife wouldn’t take it very good.
So I fiddle when I can, work when I should,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me ole fiddle.
When the sun’s comin’ up I got 'cakes on the griddle.
Life ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well I wouldn’t trade my life for diamonds and jewels,
I never was one of them money hungry fools.
I'd rather have my fiddle and my farmin’ tools,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Yeah, city folk drivin’ in a black limousine
A lotta sad people thinkin’ "That’s-a-mighty keen!"
Son, let me tell ya now exactly what I mean,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me ole fiddle.
When the sun’s comin’ up I got 'cakes on the griddle.
Life ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well, my fiddle was my daddy’s till the day he died,
And he took me by the hand and held me close to his side.
Said, "Live a good life and play my fiddle with pride,
And thank God you’re a country boy!"

My daddy taught me young how to hunt and how to whittle,
Taught me how to work and play a tune on the fiddle.
Taught me how to love and how to give just a little,
Thank God I’m a country boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me ole fiddle
When the sun’s comin’ up I got 'cakes on the griddle.
Life ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle,
Thank God I’m a country boy!
Thank God I’m a country boy!

--John Denver's "Thank God I'm A Country Boy."

Hygiene

2006-03-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

During my year in Korea, of which 5 months remain, I have been sick almost 6 times. How is this possible? Did I stop washing my hands when I entered the Land of the Morning Calm? No. Did I politely accept the filthy silverware given me on more than one occasion? Of course not. Do I eat from the garbage? Sometimes. This last item notwithstanding, I have made several notes concerning cleanliness which, as everyone knows, is godliness. (Doesn't this sound strange? Am I closer to a god than a really dirty but faithful churchgoer?)

Here is an awesome picture of what germs might look like in a future where we humans are very tiny: I myself am a clean person. I like washing dishes when they are dirty and have learned (the hard way) that sweeping the floor once a week is far easier than sweeping it once a month. Unremarkably, laundering one's sheets is good for one's skin. Also, cleaning the bathroom regularly has far-reaching psychological effects. (For example, I don't feel like a total waste of life if I'm vomiting into a clean toilet.) What few guests I have also seem more at ease in an environment not overwhelmed by the stench of urine - if any drunken hicks or trailer trash from the South are reading this they can thank me later.

Back to my frequent ailments. Upon arrival in Korea, I had a mildly (but constant) upset stomach. That's quite normal since I had traveled to the other side of the world. American vendors and grocers can obviously not act as supplier to the world. In other words, Koreans get their bananas from a different farm.

Then when winter came I began to catch colds. I work with kids, so some of that was to be expected. I quit smoking two years ago and my recovery time has improved drastically. Not so in Korea. Now a cold takes me out for almost two weeks. At the insistence of my boss I got a flu shot. Victory was mine until this past weekend when I was struck down with another heavy dose of "something." Where does it come from? What are the answers? I have a few ideas/suggestions that might help everyone in Seoul stay on the path to good health:

First, stop spitting everyhwere. It's disgusting and I don't like having to avoid it on the ground or coming out of someone's mouth. Everyone spits: men, women and children.

Second, wash your hands and dishes with hot water. How was this not explained? Hot water is more effective in killing bacteria than cold water. Fact.

Third, wash your hands. Period. Especially after eating. Especially in the PC rooms. With soap. Always.

Fourth, cover your mouth when you cough and/or sneeze. Countless children have come under my most ruthless of stares after sneezing on my arm/hand/leg. One kid actually managed to cough into my mouth. On that day I was angry and impressed, a truly unique combination of emotions. Fifth, if you are a food vendor and you drop some food on the street, DO NOT pick it up with your tongs and put it back on the grill. Seeing this only once has prevented me from ever trying these (possible) culinary delights. Damn you, old man. Damn you.

Sixth, stop vomiting everywhere. Sunday mornings are becoming increasingly challenging. The good weather allows old men to stay out drinking all night. This leads to their "casual vomiting" wherever they see fit: a store-front, the middle of the sidewalk, my apartment door. Here is the proper way to vomit:
Finally, the paranoia over whether or not the toilet can handle the toilet paper must be brought to an end. It seems that the ghost of "bad plumbing" hangs around every building in sight, from run down tenement to modern office building, leading to the ridiculously unsanitary habit of placing used toilet paper in the garbage can instead of simply flushing it down. You can draw your own conclusions about the smell, although I will hint at an intimate combination of death and despair.

I'm sure if the Korean people could follow these simple tips they'd manage to curb a modest portion of the colds here. Or at least allow new and more deadly strains to develop. I can't see a loser.

Untranslatable

2006-03-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend found me relaxing with my girlfriend at a traditional Korean restaurant. We had taken a taxi to the outskirts of Seoul to meet her older sister and her sister's husband, Sam. Arriving mid-meal and obviously drunk, Sam and I spoke in broken English about baseball and America, soccer and Korea, a little of everything. Everyone was in a good mood when we decided to extend the evening at a bar.

We each had a few beers, but Sam was still the only one who was drunk. He is 41, has been married for 5 years, and is relatively successful in both his business and recreational lives; he is the acting director of the local baseball organization and he seemed extremely happy about that.

The girls got up to go to the bathroom and Sam told me I was a good-looking guy. This is very common here for two reasons: first, because there are not many foreigners here and we all look like movie stars - someone told me I look like Kevin Costner, which is somewhat ridiculous. Second, same sex friendships are far closer than in America. Many women friends hold hands and men are constantly touching each other casually, but in a completely non-homosexual way.
I am not Kevin Costner, although I admit my hunkiness is compelling.

At this point in the evening we had decided to adjourn to a karaoke bar. The only other person in the bar seemed to be a drunken business man. He was overwieght and he looked sticky. Here is a photo of what I believe he looked like:

By comparison, Sam was as sober as a nun. This guy (see above) was aggressively drunk. He continually shook my hand telling me one word at a time that "America... good... me... like...." After a while he went away and Sam and I went to the bathroom. We met the girls coming out of the bathroom and they waited for us in the hallway.

Standing in front of a urinal, I heard someone come into the bathroom behind us. Sam was in a stall, standing with his back to the stall entrance. I turned slightly to see the drunk from the bar basically standing on top of Sam and talking into his ear. I don't know what was said, but I could tell Sam was uncomfortable. I finished and left the bathroom.

Both men came out and words were exchanged. (I found out later that the drunk, for some reason, had told Sam's wife to "go fuck herself.") The next thing I knew Sam was reeling back his right arm. Sam slapped this older business man so hard that the man's glasses flew off his face. What followed were what I can only describe as "fists of fury."

Sam knocked the guy onto the floor and went to work on him. With considerable effort I pulled Sam off the drunk and down the flight of stairs. Sam tried grabbing liquor bottles, ashtrays, anything that would presumably put this guy in a hospital. He managed to get away from me and ran back up the stairs. I ran after him, but he was already on the floor again, beating this drunken moron with savage brutality.

Blood was on Sam's face when I pulled him back the second (but not the final) time. I had to put him in a headlock and force him onto a nearby couch. I then jammed a table into his lap, preventing him from getting up.

Around this time a group of people entered the bar and, rather than being deterred by a fight in progress, sidled their up and sat down. The bartender abruptly let go of Sam (he had been helping me hold him back) to serve them drinks. Sam went for a chair and I put him in a headlock again.

By now the girls were berating the drunken business man. I have no idea what they were saying, but had I been the subject of their tirade, I would surely have wet my pants. After what seemed like hours the drunk eventually left. I physically restrained Sam almost ten times. The police showed up and calmly talked about the evening with everyone there.
These are not the cops who showed up at the bar.

For my post-game report, I will be brief. I'm surprised at how little effort it took me to restrain Sam. As J.D. on "Scrubs" once said, "Those ten push-ups I'm cranking out every other Sunday must really be paying off." Perhaps he was too drunk to escape me or maybe he didn't want to hurt me. Whatever the case, I clearly hope to circumvent bicep curls in a gym by participating in future fights as "the guy who always tries to pull that one dude off the drunk dude." That or "the guy who has a barely palatable blog."

Taste

2006-02-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

A sense of humor is a funny thing. Usually you can tell how educated a person is by what they find humorous, ranging from bemused to hysterical. Take, for example, dead baby jokes. While on a subway train, albeit a Korean one, a friend told the following joke:

Q: "What's the difference between this dead baby and that dead baby?"
A: "I haven't fucked this one yet."

Keep in mind these jokes are designed to generate the response an untainted reader might be having right now; you are either fraught with disgust or still trying to catch your breath while cleaning up the milk that shot out your nose. (The latter is also probably wondering if there are (god forbid) more of these jokes and on what website they might find them. You're on your own.) As a side note, you don't have to speak English to understand the words "dead" and "baby," as one pregnant Korean woman seemed a little disconcerted.

I've also been considering the transient nature of satire itself. Naturally a person will grow and things they found funny at age 7 they will not find as funny at age 20. While teaching children, I've had (sometimes regrettably) to cut down on the amount of swearing I do. Oddly, my sense of humor has changed somewhat to include the more, well childish, for lack of a better word. Additionally, the humorous things said by children are often funny to me because I've put them into an adult framework. For example, when studying a certain textbook, an audiotape had children repeating this question and answer:

"Would you like to see my snake?"
"Sure where is it?"
"It's in the bedroom."

In the bedroom, indeed. To be sure, the writers of ESL textbooks are not without their own sense of humor, or at least what could barely be considered situational wit. (I realize wit itself is situational, and only refer to it as such due to the fact that the author of whatever book I may be teaching from will never be able to see the joke delivered.)

I'm sure that to some degree everyone thinks they have a good sense of humor. Maybe not, though - you can never tell with those humorless folk.... Be that as it may, I still tell my share of bad jokes and most definitely more often than is necessary (thanks dad!). As testament, I made a bad joke today to which my Korean coworker said, "Hey, when I say 'so-long-hay' it means the joke is not funny." I suppose I'll be hearing a lot of that phrase.

Hot damn!

Inane

2006-02-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

William Shirer's "The Rise and Fall of The Third Reich" is a giant book. Yes, it has well over 1200 pages and yes, those pages are huge. I'm only 60 pages in, but I'm learning a lot about Adolf Hitler. His parents were second cousins. He thought he was an artist, all the way up to his death. He hated school and constantly derided it, even in later life; he used to get together with his staff of Reichstag cronies and talk shit about his grade school teachers. Could this guy hold a grudge or what?

Hitler: nuts.

While reading the internet today I saw something utterly ridiculous. Apparently the dirigible didn't die with the Hindenburg. Here we are in 2006 finding new ways to waste fuel and spurn the middle and lower classes. Are we living in the 1950s, when science and fiction seemed like one and the same? Are we in some dream world where this kind of luxury is appropriate?

Go, go Gadget elitism!

My first thought when reading about Hitler and giant aircraft is that they are mistakes: easily avoidable disasters. On further reflection, I realize this is not the case. Obviously no one can know who the "next Hitler" will be, although I'm pretty sure he is one of my students. I find it curious, by the way, that humanity is, in so many words, waiting to see someone become the "next Hitler." In the words of Woody Allen, "records are made to be broken."

Additionally, it seems completely predictable that in 2010, when the Aeroscraft will embark on it's maiden voyage, a new era of terrorism will be ushered in. This is a relatively slow-moving, oversized vehicle toting rich people to and fro. It's not rocket science to actually fire a rocket at one of these things. In closing, I wish to make a plea to the scientific and engineering communities: wasting your time on useless inventions that may one day serve as blimp casinos is helping no one. Knock it off.

Phoenix

2006-02-17T04:47:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me go ahead and inform everyone (and by "everyone" I mean the two people who read my blog) that my computer has been destroyed. A mid-morning cafe excursion with a friend ended in tragedy when a large cup of boiling hot coffee was fed to my laptop. Not surprisingly, filling a laptop with ANY liquid, let alone one sticky with sugar, is a terribly bad idea. Regardless, it happened.

What this means for you: less updates, if that's possible. My giant folder full of awesome pictures that hadn't been posted here is now inaccessible. I suppose I will have to start trolling for more hot content, although I'm sure work isn't the place to do it.

The "good" news is that the hard disk was salvaged and I can surely access it in the future. I also ripped off the Apple/Command key for posterity. Too bad it's not metal, it might make some bitchin' jewelry... for a girl though, not for me.

A nice side effect has been that my reading volume has increased dramatically. I have already pushed through about 1,000 pages in under 2 weeks. In a few short months I should have "The Rise and Fall of The Third Reich" as well as "War and Peace" well under my belt, another thing shrinking of late. Who would have guessed that NOT sitting around at your computer would promote weight loss?

By the way, I completely realize the irony of writing a blog entry about how my lack of a computer has made my life better. Eat me.

Toiletries

2006-01-09T04:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was not one of my finer days. It began innocently enough: a late morning awakening followed by a trip to the supermarket. Later that night, my washing machine broken in mid-cycle, I stood hunched over, wringing out what seemed like gallons of ice water from my soaked clothes. Once I could no longer feel my hands, I decided to relax and read one of the books my parents sent me for Christmas.

A quick trip to the bathroom for some ibuprofen to soothe a headache and all would be well. Something happened in the bathroom that can only be explained by the following photograph. To be sure, this is NOT a book review. Although if I hated the book, it would be a great review. It also prompts the hilarious question, "What did I eat?!"

Now I'm thinking it would be a cool superpower if you could actually shit literature. But you would have to keep it a secret. The plus side is that your arch enemy would probably be a librarian and, let's face it, there aren't too many strapping librarians.

Not knowing what the protocol was for dealing with such an accident, I decided to throw the book away. I could never imagine having to wash my hands after reading and, quite frankly, I never want to.

On a completely separate occasion (I think it was New Year's Eve), I took a leisurely 6km stroll through and around my neighborhood. Here's what I looked like on that night. Weird, I almost look expressionless.

I came upon this sign and was reminded of Bill Hicks.

Hicks, a famous and unfortunately deceased stand-up comic, would often talk about how the advertising industry was leaning more and more toward fully pornographic campaigns. He joked that, if they could do it, they would have a naked woman in an extremely graphic pose while above her would be the words "Drink Coke."

I did a double-take because at first glance it looks like just ONE naked woman with a bottle of Jose Cuervo between her spread legs. So in the words of Hicks, "Goddamn if [Cuervo] isn't on my shopping list."

Momentum

2005-12-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

Cruising into the new year and coming around to new ideas, new people, new interests, and letting old ones go. It's a rough thing to really internalize the fact that the world is constantly changing and that even if you do your best to adapt and keep up it will, in the long run, never be possible. The entire sturcture is a gigantic, mutating, evolving mess. I feel oddly comforted writing this. Ceding control and moving with the flow.

Oops. Got too serious there for a sec.

These flowers are fake, but they look real.

This building is real, but it looks fake.

This year I will make my first adult New Year's resolution. A lot of people make them and most of those people end up off the diet, off the wagon, or dead before they can see those resolutions through. That's why I've decided to adopt UN Resolution number 579: Hostage Taking. "Considering that the taking of hostages and abductions are offences of grave concern to the international community, having severe adverse consequences for the rights of the victims and for the promotion of friendly relations and co-operation" [with me].

Simply put, I will take no hostages this year.

If all of you are not asking, "Why is this different from his previous resolutions?" you need to have your head examined. Stop procrastinating and go get it taken care of. As for the rest of you, it's not really that different from other resolutions. I'm not trying to quit smoking anymore. I'm managing to lose weight through exercise and diet. I don't really drink all that much. I know I can't lose with this one. Is anyone addicted to taking hostages? Thought not. It's a safe thing to give up.

Also, I've been [not] working at avoiding prison. I'm 27 years into this life sentence and I don't need prison mucking things up.

I would never, NEVER go here for a sports massage.

Is there something in here? Or did this building throw up an old lady?

I've been listening to a lot of music and have made a top ten list. This list is different in that they were simply my favorite songs that I happened to listen to this past year (in no particular order).

1. Funky Kingston - Toots and The Maytals
2. Crazy - Willie Nelson
3. Magic Love - Bent
4. Summer Romance - The New Bomb Turks
5. Streamline - Pendulum
6. Rewrite - Asian Kung-Fu Generation
7. Slippery People - Talking Heads
8. Ecstasy Motherfucker - Kid606
9. High Fidelity - Jurassic 5
10. You Know How We Do It - Ice Cube

Hopefully more jazz next year. My intent is to travel around Korea quite a bit more. Can't wait for Spring so I can get back on my bike!

Happy New Year.

Music

2005-12-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wondered about the drum and bass aspect to this site, keep wondering. It will forever be shrouded in mystery. But in the meantime you can check out an old (March '05) dnb set of mine here. Special thanks to Doc Tick Tock! Boh!

Oh, and here's another sweet picture for all you visual learners.

Found this on the internet, where I find most things these days.

Hiatus

2005-12-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy doing nothing. Seriously. I've been watching Clint Eastwood movies and managing a cold. Did you know that unripened bananas in Korea are still yellow? Also - and I don't have a picture of this - the new athletic footwear store up the street carries a complete line of cigarettes. Anyway, I DO have a lot of pictures to post. So here we go.

Holy shit, it's Lee Van Cleef!

He's long since dead, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if he couldn't deliver a mean stare. Clint Eastwood was certainly the hero in those old Westerns, but Van Cleef was identical in terms of badass-ness. These two shots are from the film "For A Few Dollars More." You should probably do as my friend Tanger suggests and watch it along with "For A Fistful of Dollars" and "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly."

This next picture I took on one of my famed bike rides. Actually they're not really famed, just long. But I bought a tripod and I thought I'd try it out. It works.

There was a total of 15 (FIFTEEN!!!) cranes at this single construction site. Koreans do not mess about when it comes to building things. This particular site looks like the future home of at least 5 apartment complexes capable of housing 600 people! I just made that number up. But it seems plausible. Six hundred people or maybe 15 robotic apes.

And speaking of robots:

I like this picture because it looks like this guy has just HAD IT with robots. I don't blame him. That robot looks like it's only ability is to be irritating. If it could travel through time or kill people, now that would be something. But this? This is nothing.

Last but not least, some "Engrish." I didn't take this picture, but I wish I had.

I hope you enjoyed this latest post. If you didn't, you should worry about what's wrong with you; why didn't YOU enjoy this?

Violence

2005-11-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the pleasure of finally seeing South Korea's finest take down a maniac. Some brief questioning in broken Korean ("Soju? Or crazy?") led to a surprising response: "crazy." I was on my way home when I saw this guy start throwing things out of his van. At first I thought he was simply tired and wanted to unload his delivery as soon as possible. Then I realized his "delivery" was RAGE and yes, he DID want to unload it as soon as possible.

His first move was to grab two iron pipes out of his van and brutally attack a food stall. A food stall is basically a hotdog cart, but permanent. And instead of hotdogs, they sell unidentified fried things. They are unidentified because I have chosen to leave them as such.

Tossing the pipes aside, he stepped up the level of intensity and began verbally threatening the owner of the food stall and his family. Several people had gathered to watch at this point: schoolgirls, delivery men, passersby. After a few minutes the cops showed up. Now, in America the police would have put this guy down immediately, pausing only briefly to sweep the sidewalk with his face. Not so in Korea.

The first cops on the scene.

When the police showed up it was clear they weren't going to touch this weirdo. I found out later that this is the policy of all Korean law enforcement, due primarily to an overwhelming fear of being sued. Back to the main event.

Four cop cars later....

Crazy McStupid took off his shirt and threw it on a cop's head! Then he proceeded to "chest bump" the cops! This apparently wasn't ridiculous enough to sate him, so he pulled off his belt and chased the food stall owner up the street - where he was met by police backup. Four additional cop cars roll up to take this one guy down. Basically they just WAITED for this guy to settle down so they could take him away.

Everyone was checking out the aftermath.

Again, in the US, this lunatic would have been tased or shot on sight. I'm not saying I agree with police tactics in America. But I am saying that when push literally comes to shove, police need to stand up for themselves. Nuts.

Kids

2005-11-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

Almost every Korean person I see between the ages of 2 and 90 wears clothing with English on it. The problem is, since not every Korean can speak English, both wearers and sellers of clothing bearing English are truly everywhere. From older women wearing shirts that read "Who Says Grandma's Can't Be Sexy" to 13 year old girls advertising "Juicy Girl" and "Ride to Heaven," I find myself laughing out loud too often.

Lately I've noticed my students wearing these shirts and I really couldn't help myself from taking these pictures. I'm sure more will follow (including a sign I recently saw featuring a cartoon condom holding a mug of beer).

Joy

2005-10-24T19:53:00.000-06:00

The Seoul International Fireworks Festival took place over the past two weekends. It's difficult to justify my love of fireworks in light of my hatred of crowds. It's unlikely that someone would ever provide a massive explosives show for just me, although a man can dream....

Ah, romance.

Afterwards I went for a stroll and found some other things to take pictures of. This was supposed to be a picture of the sign on the left which reads "Starbutts" (a gay bar, I think), but just as I took the photograph the car on the right got into an accident. It was great. Whomever was driving really ripped up the side of their car on the telephone pole. Rad!

This is one of the older neighborhoods in Seoul. Kind of looks like a movie set....

Booze

2005-10-17T07:47:00.000-06:00

Koreans drink a lot. A LOT. And unfortunately the drink of choice for most people here is this horribly evil liquor called "Soju." Basically, soju is like if you went and found a homeless person with chronic alcoholism and asked him to urinate into a small glass bottle (about the size of a Coke bottle), distilled it (so it was at least clear) and then served it up. To give you an idea of how popular it is, at some of the larger grocery stores here you can actually find a THREE GALLON plastic jug of the stuff. You would think that amount of liquor would cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $100. In fact, this gargantuan quantity of alcoholic piss is only about $20. You figure it out.

To those of you who may be wondering why I am so adamantly opposed to this particular drink I will tell you. It's not because I got really drunk one night and felt like crap the next day. It's not because I did something really stupid like got married or killed a guy. It's really just this: it sucks. Soju makes tequila look like breast milk and, given the choice (which i have been), I would rather (and did) drink a shot of gasoline mixed with blood before I drink soju again. When I see someone drinking it, I feel like Nicholas Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas" really could have finished himself off a lot faster if he were here in Seoul.

Now here comes the most amazing thing ever: after a long night of drinking nearly EIGHT BOTTLES of soju, any one of these Korean businessmen will drunkenly stumble home and easily get up and go to work the next day. Convenience stores sell numerous "pro-biotic" drinks with a picture of the lower intestine on the side. This graphic is universally understood thanks to the bright red arrows indicating that, if you should drink it, you WILL go to the bathroom. I'm pretty sure that in Korean it mentions something about replacing vital nutrients or maybe it just says "clearing you out for another go round."

Either way it's pretty hardcore here. As for me, I'm sticking to beer. Unless of course I meet a girl who likes soju. Then I'm boned.

Weapons

2005-10-03T07:50:00.000-06:00

Today I went to the small Korean equivalent to Disneyland. It's called Lotte World and, as anyone here can tell you, Lotte makes about a billion products. They have department stores, fast-food joints, discount clothes stores, their own brands of soda and water, you get the idea.

Though I have never been to Mall of America back home, I'm fairly certain that Lotte World is the greatest mall ever. Why? For several reasons. First, the amusement park area actually occupies half the mall on the inside and then expands into it's own lake on the outside. Like I said, it's small, but they still manage to cram something called the Gyro Drop on there as well as some other cool rides. Personally I hate amusement parks and all "rides." I think they are ridiculous white-trash hangouts and people who enjoy the thrill of being dropped the length of a football field for fun are nuts.

The next reason this place is rad is that there's a full-size ice-rink in the middle of it (on the ground floor). And it's surrounded by food courts. One of the restaurants is a Pizzeria Uno which, coming from Chicago, is a big deal. I haven't tried the pizza yet, but as long as they don't put corn on it (they do that here) I'll be happy.

But the most important reason Lotte World kicks ass is the shooting range. That's right: the SHOOTING RANGE. Not paintball, not BB guns, not air-rifles, slingshots, or video games. I'm talking about live ammunition, semi-automatic handguns. It was my first time shooting and it turns out I'm really good at it. Which is nice I guess, if the world ever becomes like a Mad Max movie.

Here's a picture of the kind of crap I'll be able to put up with:

The only thing that sucks is that it's something like $25 for ten rounds. (If you have never seen an action movie, a round is a bullet). Take that america! Expensive bullets, gun control - you can even have a drink or two while you're waiting to use a firearm!

Also, I don't really like malls, so for a mall to make any kind of list is landmark.

Air

2005-09-26T07:07:00.000-06:00

Here are a few shots of Seoul I took a weekend or two ago. Been so busy getting settled and trying to adjust to the food. Enjoy.

Batman

2005-09-12T21:31:00.000-06:00

I always hated calling him "The" Batman. To me he was always just "Batman." Were there other batmen? Should one specify? I was skeptical.

Since I've moved to Seoul, South Korea I have spent a great deal of time walking and bicycling about the city on my own. It has been both therapeutic and insightful. I do not bring music with me for two reasons: first and foremost, it is a cycling hazard. The other reason is that I find it gets in the way of my thoughts.

I am lucky to live almost nextdoor to the wonderful and simply MASSIVE Olympic Park. Seemingly almost undisturbed since the 1988 Summer Olympics (save the natural decompostion of such signs as "Men's Doubles Tennis Scores"), the park teems with Koreans at nearly all hours (the park closes briefly at 12 midnight until, well, I'm not sure because honestly I haven't been up early enough to have my admission hampered by regulations).

Like New York City and certain parts of Chicago, people are up at nearly all hours - EXERCISING! On weekends you will commonly witness several older men drinking Soju (rice-wine) outside of the equivalent of a 7-11 or Quikstop (I usually only see this on weekends). As a side note, I have gotten up the following Sunday morning and seen those same few gentlemen STILL DRINKING. And I thought we were hardcore in college....

During one excellent bicycle ride through Olympic Park (of which pictures will follow), I came across a girl - about 15 years old - wearing a t-shirt that read "The Batman."

First, I thought, 'Cool. Batman is global.' Then I noticed another girl wearing a t-shirt that said, "Road Race" with a Batman logo on it. Curiously, I walked home and sat down at my computer and downloaded seasons 1 and 2 of the animated "The Batman."

This is the greatest Batman cartoon I have ever seen. I am continually skeptical about each episode and I am continually surprised that they portray each and every villian as vastly different from the film versions. Forget Mr. Freeze and the Catwoman from the Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher (shudder) films, this is the real deal.

Many elements (including the amazing pilot episode featuring the most realistic and challenging Joker character ever) remind fans of the recent and triumphant 'Batman Begins,' returning the Batman legacy to its true roots as an adult's guilty pleasure. More musings on Batman are sure to come as I've recently been turned on to downloading comic books from the internet. But only when it's raining out.

Finally

2005-08-30T10:36:00.000-06:00

Ha! I finally got the internet in my apartment! Here are two pictures of how awesome Seoul is when you get out of the city!

So this is blogging.

2005-07-16T14:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I suppose I should write something here. This is my first (and hopefully only) blog. That word "blog" seems to breed contempt these days. Take that, Maddox!

I'm off to Seoul, South Korea in one month to be a teacher and drum 'n' bass music producer in my spare time. New computer and all. Hopefully I can post some interesting stuff here that can help other teachers/travellers/dnb headz.

I'd like to get some mixes posted up on here eventually. Some friends from Chicago are working on creating an ftp site for that.

Overall I'd like to keep it positive. Most of the research I did prior to going to Seoul yielded a lot of negative rants. I guess people are more driven to post things when they're unhappy.

For now I'll be working on getting all my stuff together and getting this blog looking somewhat nice.

Peace.